


Colorless

by GuardianDreamer



Category: Bad Apple Wars (Visual Novel)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Introspection, Light Angst, Self-Doubt, brief mention of suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuardianDreamer/pseuds/GuardianDreamer
Summary: Set immediately before the start of the game, this short fic is meant to explore Rinka's mindset and her feelings of emptiness and frustration at feeling like a blank slate. Can technically be read without VN knowledge, but works better as a companion piece when you know where Rinka's character goes.





	Colorless

I’ve accepted that I’m not really living my life. I’m existing… Or at least that’s what I thought before. I’m not sure if what I’m doing can even qualify for that much at this point. Someone as empty as me doesn’t really exist. I can talk to people, but I don’t think I can influence them. Even when they smile at me, it always feels distant. It’s not because they’re the ones who seem distant. I’m the problem. I’m the one who can’t return a genuine smile, who always overthinks things and assumes that I’m a waste of everyone’s time. On some level, I know that thinking that way is what actually makes me such a burden. But I’ve never been able to break free from that cycle. I’m not sure if I know how.

The sky is bright red today. It’s something that I can get lost looking at, though I’m scared of looking at it for long. It’s… Pathetic, honestly. Red… The color of life. I’m scared to look at it. Could the symbolism of that be any more obvious? I’m not sure if being self-aware about it really helps either. I’m not sure about most things, my own indecisiveness is something I’ve kind of accepted at this point. It’s too hard to change it, and I’m not sure why I would want to. Drifting through the world has always worked out for me. It’s comfortable. I don’t want to be hurt, so… Even if it means that I can’t ever be happy, isn’t it okay if this is how things are? Isn’t it okay for me to pretend like things are fine?

I’m starting high school soon. I’ll handle it like I’ve handled everything else so far. I’ll do the bare minimum required to pass my classes. I’ll make ‘friends’ who will forget about me after high school is over. I’ll either avoid joining a club or join a club that doesn’t require anything from me at all. If I run into any trouble, I’ll just do my best to hide from it. I’ve never been targeted by any bullies before. They don’t get the types of reactions they want from someone like me. Or at least that’s what I think the reason is. It’s also possible that they just don’t notice that I’m there. I wouldn’t blame them if that was the actual reason, honestly. I’m well aware of my own flaws as a person.

A… Person?

A person?

Do I qualify as that? … Well, the fact that I’m even wondering about it really speaks for itself, regardless of what the actual answer is. It’s almost sad, in a way. I don’t really like to pity myself, but… I don’t like a lot about myself, so maybe that’s to be expected. I raise my hand in front of my face. I’m unusually pale. Some of my ‘friends’ even joke that I’m like a ghost. … Not too far off the mark, if I’m being completely honest. I’d laugh about it if it didn’t sting so much. I’m not sure if I can let out a genuine hearty laugh anyway. It just seems like it would take a lot of effort for me to learn how. … That’s not to say I’ve never laughed before. That would be ridiculous. But it always feels like I’m forcing myself, just a bit. I wish I had the power to change that.

Everyone else feels so vibrant. Their eccentric personalities, their ambitions, their ability to go through life much better than I ever could… I envy it so much. But I’m the type of person who can’t do that. If I had to describe my own personality, I wouldn’t be able to. I’m nothing. Even all this self-deprecation feels like I’m forcing myself to have some kind of dialogue with myself and come up with something. It feels meaningless to me. Watching paint dry might actually be the better endeavor.

… I should make something clear. I don’t hate the idea of life or anything like that. I don’t want to make it sound like I long for death or anything. No, I’d prefer to avoid that. It’s just… I’m going through the motions. In some ways, I’m content with that. Though I know that I’m mostly just saying that to myself. I guess I’m not doing a very good job at sounding convincing, huh? But… I don’t know. I envy others for their ability to live life, but I don’t want to say I’d be better off dead or anything. … My family would have so much to deal with. And just like most people, there’s something I want to cling onto in this thing I call my ‘life’. I don’t know what that is, but I know that dying isn’t going to accomplish anything.

… I’ve spent enough time preparing myself. I should head for school. Just like always, I’ll blend in with the crowd and be indistinguishable from any student… I should practice my introduction for class today. Short and simple, entirely noncommittal and boring without the possibility of anyone wanting to know more about me. That way they won’t be disappointed.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet all of you. My name is Rinka. Um… I hope we can all get along. Let’s do our best this year.”

**Author's Note:**

> Self-doubt and self-loathing is something that is painful to relate to, but Rinka specifically feeling like she was empty in comparison to the other characters is what inspired me to write this fic in the first place. While the VN does explore the idea somewhat, I wanted to take a more in-depth look at Rinka's mindset. I can only hope that this story helps other people realize why I found Rinka to be such an interesting protagonist. While this story itself can't exactly end happily due to being an immediate prequel to the events of the VN, I do think that holding onto hope is important. After all, Rinka's own development doesn't end here. There are happy endings to be found even where there appear to be none.


End file.
